328_Living with the Monster of Depression

Terry [00:00:04] Hello and welcome to the Giving Voice to Depression podcast brought to you by Recovery.com. Each week we profile a guest who shares intimate details of their mental health journey. They share because they understand that when people don't talk about their depression or other mental health conditions, those of us who struggle with them can feel like we're the only ones, that there's something wrong with us instead of understanding that we have a common and treatable illness. I'm Terry, the creator and co-host of this podcast. 

Anita [00:00:32] And I'm Dr. Anita Sanz, a licensed clinical psychologist with more than 25 years in clinical practice. I know from both personal and professional experience how significantly mental health and other disorders can impact not just our lives, but those around us as well. By speaking openly and with the wisdom of lived experience, we help normalize conversations that are often avoided due to shame or stigma. Our episodes are honest and real, and we keep them hopeful because there truly is hope. Despite what depression tells you. 

Terry [00:01:07] This podcast is brought to you by Recovery.com, whose mission is to help each person find the best path to recovery through a comprehensive, helpful network of treatment providers for both mental health and addiction treatment worldwide. This episode was originally produced with sponsorship from the AB Korkor Foundation for Mental Health. Hello, Anita. 

Anita [00:01:31] Hi, Terry. If you live with depression, you've probably been given or at least heard the advice to remember that depression is just a part of us. Or, as the saying goes, we are more than our diagnosis. Today's guest knows that. And yet she also kind of owns her depression. 

Terry [00:01:49] In fact, online, she calls herself Diva with Depression. We met Didi when we were both on a panel talking about the challenges of caring for someone struggling with depression, when you're going through it yourself. Here's Didi Hairston giving her voice to depression. 

Terry [00:02:13] Didi's online platform is mental illness with no filter. Her Facebook page promises "the good, the bad, the worst." It's her unfiltered journey into the world of depression, which she describes as dark but real. 

Didi [00:02:31] I think that when we have when we're having conversations and you read stuff, people go from I feel like crap to, oh look, I'm better now. And they never give you the meat in between. And I'm the meat in between because I have to function every day in this dark place. And there are millions of us that have to function every day in that dark place. And I want other people to know that they're not by themselves. 

Terry [00:03:00] When Didi says she functions every day in darkness, she doesn't just mean recent days. 

Didi [00:03:07] I say that I've been depressed all my life. You know, I'm in trauma counseling and PTSD now, and I've discovered that since about six years old, there was some form of depression and anxiety. I think that not having a father in the house. My mom was not the greatest. I try not to say that because she was a you know, she I guess she I don't know if she did her best. But, you know, I was in a dysfunctional household. And I was also the head of the household sort of at six years, seven years old and cooking at seven, taking care of my baby brother, you know, So I had to grow up very, very fast. And I believe that contributed to it. 

Terry [00:04:01] If childhood is when Didi's depression began, having children is when it got significantly worse. 

Didi [00:04:09] So my depression got really started to get really bad when after I gave birth to my daughter, which is 29 years ago. So I did do therapy. I did take some medication, but I wasn't I wasn't regular with it because I hated it. And also, you know, as you know, the medications can make you woozy and all sorts of stuff.  And I couldn't do that and take care of my child. So, you know, fast forward seven years. I have my second baby. And there was no doubt where my mind was. (Yeah)  I was completely headfirst by that time into depression and darkness. And so, you know, she's 22 now and it's been severe since then. I had my first breakdown in 2006. And it's just been a spiral from there. 

Terry [00:05:09] And you say you have been in a serious depression for 22 years. I mean, do you ever come out do you ever experience joy? Do you ever feel, just, quote, normal? 

Didi [00:05:23] Never happy. I will be honest. I have decided that I'm not going to look for happy. I will go for being content, you know, from time to time. So when I spend time with my my girls, my girls are my joy. They're my heart. So anything that they do, them breathing and waking up is  the constant joy in my life, you know? But I think people don't realize that I can be like this and still function. You know, I raised two kids like this. I had I was an investment analyst like this. You know, I was participating. I have a business. I had three businesses that I was running. So I was functioning through this, you know. And it wasn't until 2006 where it really just started it came crashing down that that I had to I had to sit with it. 

Terry [00:06:26] Since she had to sit with it, Didi decided to name it --not a person's name, something that both felt true to her and that other people would understand. "The Monster. "

Didi [00:06:38] As I started to spiral, things just started coming up,  I will say. And there was one episode, my first episode of, you know, just just losing it. And I was screaming in my head for help and I fell down on the floor. And that's that's the vision that came to my mind like a monster had come and just engulfed me. You know, I know we see like in cartoons where the dark thing just engulfs you. Yeah. And that was the vision that I had. And I thought, I think that, you know, if I give it the name, The Monster, people realize that it's an active participant in my disease. So, you know I can say, well, the monster is acting up today or the monster won't let me get out of bed today. And it's funny. And it's also real. So it was just a quirky way of of you know, just telling people that the tunnel is dark and that there are monsters out there and we live with them every single day. 

Terry [00:07:50] It doesn't sound at all funny to me. It sounds scary. You know, I think of a monster as scary and something that threatens me and something that I can't outrun. I think it's a very apt description. I. Yeah. I mean, I can see the darkness just engulfing, to use your word. 

Didi [00:08:10] And so I have moments of joy. I love going out with my friends and talking with them, watching a good movie or whatever. You can do both. Both can be true. You know, I can wake up in the morning and feel like crap with the monster sitting on me and we'll go in the living room and watch a funny show and I'll feel better and he'll feel better. So you just get pockets of joy. 

Terry [00:08:37] Who is the he who will feel better? Depression? 

Didi [00:08:40] The Monster, yeah. The monster is.a he and,  you know, we just do things when the monster is acting up. I just try to find things to calm him down. Basically. 

Terry [00:09:00] What are the things that help you live with it? 

Didi [00:09:04] Well, first of all, I do go to therapy every week and sometimes twice if I'm in a dangerous place. I do take medication. I live with severe MDD and severe major depressive disorder and severe treatment resistant depression, which means that I've been taking medicine for years. I have taken almost every medication on the market. And it may work for a couple of months or a couple of weeks, and it may not. So I'm always in the middle of a medication change. But I still keep, you know, going to the psychiatrist, taking my medication, going to therapy, and I just try to find outlets. I'm a helpline coordinator for NAMI and doing this platform and getting the word out. That's how I cope. My love language is doing, you know, caring for others. So as long as I'm doing that, you know, that sort of helps. 

Terry [00:10:07] While Didi speaks her caring love language for all to hear, she directs specific messages to black and brown communities. 

Didi [00:10:16] I can't share my experiences as a white woman. (Right) I am a black woman. I grew up in a black community. Some of the things that we live with as blacks are cultural trauma, cultural chains that need to be broken, that no one would understand outside of that community, you know. So that is my that that's the bulk of my platform to get the word out there to our communities that there's help and that I'm here. You know, I try to tell everybody, even in my worst days, if you send me a message and say, I'm looking for a therapist or I need to do you know such and such? I'm answering you, because I'm so honored that you reached out. 

Terry [00:11:02] Some of the messages Didi wants to shout out are that it's okay to talk about mental health and mental illness. It's okay to take medication. And it's okay to go to therapy. 

Didi [00:11:14] Yes, definitely. You know, of course, in black and brown communities, it's a thing to say, you know, just let it go, give it to God or, you know, pray for it to get better. And, you know, that's not the answer. The answer is I will pray on the way to my therapist or my psychiatrist. I will ask God to guide me to get help and follow me as I go through this journey. Just saying a prayer at night is not going to bring us out of this darkness. 

Terry [00:11:49] In addition to dark,  Didi is very open about the fact the journey can also be very lonely. 

Didi [00:11:57] I want to start by saying that you can be in a room full of people and be lonely. So I want people to understand that. But it's a different type of lonely when you are struggling with mental illness. And I've all my life I have, well not all my life, but for 29 years I've had my babies, you know, And there they were part of me getting out of bed every morning. I used to fuss about driving them to school, but it was something that made me get out of bed and join the PTA and, you know, just be the Girl Scout leader and everything. And in 2018, my oldest daughter moved to Florida and my youngest went to school in Boston. And it just happened to be in the same year that I lost my sister. So the breakdown came fast, really, really fast. And when I got to the hospital and, you know, they did my my intake, they had written down she struggling with her daughters leaving. And that was part of it. And so they have the empty nest syndrome written down. They had the grief written down and everything just, you know, just crashed at one time. So I think lonely move in next to The Monster. 

Terry [00:13:23] Loneliness and isolation. They're both symptoms of and contributing factors to depression. 

Didi [00:13:29] Last night, as a matter of fact, I was crying because I wanted a cup of tea and I didn't feel like making a cup of tea. And I was like, you know, it would be so nice if I had somebody here. And I can say, you know, I need a cup of tea and would you mind making it for me? Something so simple. You know, I can't reach everything on the top shelf. You know, can you help me? Or somebody to just say it's okay that you're feeling this way. And when I can't get out of bed, somebody can say, okay, well, let me bring you something to drink or whatever. 

Terry [00:14:06] Didi says people joke with her that she should just go get a boyfriend. But with depression, there are some extra considerations. 

Didi [00:14:15] Number one, I don't want a boyfriend. Number two, I always say that I don't want to take my, my, my shit, excuse me, and put it in somebody else's life and put it in somebody else's hands/space. And that doesn't  just go for  romantic relationships. That's every relationship. So it does limit the socializing. It does limit the engaging. There should be a dating app for people with mental illness. 

Terry [00:14:48] I love the idea. What would you call it? 

Didi [00:14:52] I don't know. I don't know. The Dark Side or something like that.We're gonna have to come up with that, Terry. We'd make $1 million. 

Terry [00:15:00] I think we could. So when you were saying,. I mean, that there's that's such a you know, it's like getting you coming and going because if It's not our healthiest choice to be alone and to isolate, and if we don't want to bring that into someone else's world and we don't tell them, how are we ever supposed to get the support or the care that we desire and need? 

Didi [00:15:26] That's a huge question. Okay. So my first thing is this. I won't say all of us, I say most of us have at least one person in their life that even if they don't fully understand what what you're going through, they get it a little bit. And so you can reach out to that person. Now, it doesn't mean that that person is going to get, you know, go into full help mode or anything, but that one person that you reached out to. Me? I happen to have wonderful friends and they understand what I'm going through. So when the good morning text comes or how's it going, I can say to them, the monster's acting up today. That's all I have to say. And they'll say, I love you. They'll say, Is there anything that I can do and give you encouragement. My daughters are the same way. 

Terry [00:16:28] Didi says there are also mental health organizations that offer help. 

Didi [00:16:32] Years ago, you would have to call the hotline. You would have to call the number to get resources. But it just so happens that now you can start texting and people don't like that. But I think it's huge because they don't understand that we don't talk on the phone- us depressed people and monsters. We don't do it. So it is that that's a whole episode. 

Terry [00:16:56] And Didi reminds the responsibility can't just fall on the person in need of support when depression can sap us of our energy and make us feel undeserving of the very help we need. 

Didi [00:17:09] This is not a popular opinion, but I think if you are in a family or if you are in in somebodys world, I think that you really do know that something is going on with that person. And even if you don't think that it's as severe as depression or anxiety, suicidal ideation, anything like that, you still notice a change. And you still know that they're struggling with something. And so it becomes that person's responsibility also, to learn to listen and to learn to let their loved ones know that they are there, even if it's just for text. 

Terry [00:17:47] And for Didi, whether it's a coffee date to get her out of the house, a scripture quote by text, or an expression of empathy, she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her, but rather sorry for what she's going through. 

Didi [00:18:01] I'm still here, Terry. I turned 54. I live in hell. I live in darkness. I have gone through domestic violence. I have gone through separation. I still have parental trauma that I'm working with. But I'm still here. And I still answer the helpline. I still talk to people. I still go on podcasts. I still function. And so that is the second part that I need people to know. I raised two kids living in hell. I've created this platform while living in hell. I made friends while living in hell. 

Didi [00:18:45] So if you're in hell, just know that I'm, you know, I'm next door, you know. And we can be in hell together. And I understand that hell. And, you know, we can go for coffee in hell. We can, you know, hell is a place is, you know, not in the spiritual or religious thing. Hell is what we live in. But I just want people to make sure that they know that they can function. You know, getting out of bed and going to the living room is a thing. It's a major thing. Picking up socks? Major. Washing a load of  clothes? Major. But just being alive every day is major. So you're not alone. 

Anita [00:19:39] It is really important for us to realize that for some people dealing with depression as well as other illnesses, it's it's a chronic thing. It's not just episodic or acute, an occasional really bad time. It's a daily experience. And I just really love how Didi seems to be altering the expectations that she has of herself to try to match the reality of living with daily depression. And she knows that there are going to be those days when that monster is active and it's messing stuff up. And she not only rolls with it, she lets other people in her life know that she's having to roll with that. And I think that's that's a great way of handling it. 

Terry [00:20:21] As this podcast's producer. I have a bit of trouble with these stories because, you know, you want to let listeners have hope that it's not always going to be that way. But I also know and I've been told that there are people out there who, when we say, hey, hold on, you know, the sun comes out, the storm ends, those kinds of I'm going to use the word platitudes because that's probably what they sound like to them, even though for other people like myself, they're truths. It's important, I think, that we also show and tell the stories of people who, as you say, live with this chronically. 

Anita [00:20:54] Yeah, because that is a whole unique challenge, and I think probably involves getting to a place of acceptance about that without losing hope. And maybe that sounds like that's that's putting two things together that don't belong. But I actually do think that you can manage daily depression. You can manage daily pain. You can manage a lot of, you know, chronic conditions, if you can first get to that place of just recognizing that's what I have to do with this. You know, I'd love for it to go away. I might always hope and wish it will go away. But for now, the reality is I have it and I've got to figure out how to manage it the best that I can today. 

Terry [00:21:35] Well, I'm very grateful to Didi for sharing her story with us and for always being available. I've reached out to her several times to speak on panels and other things, and she is always right there, just so eager to help other people understand that, as she says, you can function even if it is not the conditions under which you wish you were functioning on a daily basis. So ever grateful to her for her advocacy. Also, Didi's idea of a name for a dating site for people with mental illness or mental health challenges I thought was hilarious. So if anybody's got an idea, we would love to hear it and I will pass them along to her. If you go to our website. Giving voice to depression.com. There is a red record button and you can record us your idea for that site's name. 

Anita [00:22:30] We truly hope that our podcast brings a little more understanding, helps you better articulate and reflect on your own experience with depression, or better understand how to support someone else who is struggling. 

Terry [00:22:43] If this episode has been of comfort or value to you know that there are hundreds of others like it in our archive, which you can easily find at our website. Givingvoicetodepression.com. And remember if you are struggling, speak up. Even if it's hard if someone else is struggling, take the time to listen.